How To Break Up With Your Barber

To an adult male of the homo sapiens specie, the guardian, or barber as he is commonly referred to as, is an essential part of life. He has slowly become a staple to the modern man. He is the force to your Jedi. He is the Xavi to your Messi. He is that crafty wingman providing you with assists. He is the the unsung hero…the 5th member of your wolf pack. So to breakup with him is neither easy, nor a decision to take lightly.

When To Leave

What is the problem? In every relationship, discussion is key and this is no different in the relationship between man and guardian barber. Most problems usually revolve around the barber’s inability to listen to instructions. You may give your barber an instruction, and end up leaving with an entirely different nonsense. If your barber’s problem is listening…if he is naturally combative, and giving him instructions is hard, then its best to up and leave. Make like a clipper and cut ties. He isn’t the Morpheus to your NEO. Move on bro. Move on.

Notable Exceptions

I have this friend who is a burden to accompany to the barber shop. A simple trim takes about 30-40 minutes because he would argue with his barber before, during, and after his haircut. He would tell his barber what he wants but his barber would argue, oppose, insult his head shape, talk about his ill-fitting hairline, and give him what he (the barber) feels will work best. But on every single occasion, my friend came out of the barbershop better than he came in, and they both knew it. So that was a chaotic but beneficial relationship. They’re still together. Not all love stories have to be flowers and daises, some are of the Mr. and Mrs. Smith caliber.

What To Do

Changing chairs is not the solution: You know how in every society there are silent, unspoken laws which all members must abide by or face rebuke; for example, giving at least one urinal space between you and the next guy. Well in the barber shop unspoken laws exist, and one of them involves your seat. If you have established a barber in a particular shop, do not change seats as the solution to his incompetence. You may see it as an easier and more convenient solution to simply go to the next barber in the shop. DO NOT! I assure you, the stress is not worth it. It’s awkward enough having to tell the man preparing to cut you hair that he shouldn’t bother anymore because you’ll wait for his accomplice. But to live with the awkwardness of being perceived as erratic for moving from chair to chair is not worth it. You don’t wanna leave your neck in the hands of someone who may be harboring ill will towards you. Plus, it’s just a b*tch move.

Cozy Up To The Neighborhood Seats

This is one relationship where cheating is permitted. It isn’t wrong to look around the other barber shops and test out the skills of other barbers in the months leading up to your departure. When checking new shops, this is the one time you can move around and scale the different barbers in the shops. Note, if you are still going back to your main barber when doing this, be prepared for an observant barber to notice that he wasn’t the one who pushed back your hairline and thus know you met with a different barber the week before. I don’t know how he’d handle your infidelity though. Different strokes for different folks.

Do Your Research

In the days leading up to your exit you must have a number of possible and convenient locations. I visit the barber weekly, so for me, priority is that my barber is close to home, easily accessible by whatever medium (car, bus, taxi, bike, leg) is available, and has “good” closing times. So don’t be hasty. You don’t want to change your barber and discover that the new shop you have isn’t logistically convenient for you. Do your research. Be prepared.

Final Advice

Move on and Don’t look back: If you’ve tried to follow the above instructions then your transition should be pretty smooth. Trust me you don’t wanna “farewell” your barber only to come back months later looking like the poorer and wretched version of Leonardo DiCaprio between movies. You wanna leave, and have the confidence to not undermine your decision…publicly anyway. In the words of Gollum, you must “leave and never come back!”


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